God, it has been forever.

Tomorrow's the first day of school.
Thirty minutes ago, I could not quite place what I am feeling.
I am not nervous.
I am not excited.
I do not hate the world.
I am not missing my home.
(These are my usual feelings towards the first day of classes.)

Now, I think I know.
I am apprehensive.
...quite short to dreading it, actually.

Being Silly.

I saw something today. It made my heart flutter, it got my brain thinking of some uncalled for thoughts.

I know I can't pay the price if I acted upon one of those thoughts.

So here's me saying that I wont do anything regarding the thing that I saw. And here's me wishing circumstances have been different.

It's funny how life turns out the way we never fathom it would. I know it would not happen, not in accordance to my liking [heh]. I know it would not be worth it to even try.

I guess, I'll just keep on pushing the feelings and the thoughts [the thing I saw] evoked and pray that in time they will be forgotten.

I saw a pic of me and of a good friend. it's on his page. the primary pic. normal people would say it's nothing. But I guess I am anything but normal...and that I think I have feelings for my friend.

It's January...

and it is freezing cold here.

I live in the tropics! [scowls]

Of course, this is going to be incoherent, since I have been brain dead since January 1st. But I really really want to share how freakingly awful I feel right now.

I am already homesick. I havent even left for school yet!

I am disappointed at something I probably should not tell.

I am all weepy and am such a mess right now.

I have to face packing in a couple of hours...about hmm? 17 hours?

I am cold...

I am freakingly self-centered right now.

I'm sorry.

Halloween is getting into me...really.

The ghost stories, the spooky tales, the horror flicks, the strange things that people do...myself includedÜ.

True that the designs in the malls are cute and the costume parties are fun...it's just that I am getting more and more spooked and afraid by the moment...

haha...so the title should be "I am being a big chicken, again".

Ü

I remember.

I remember afternoons in our first house, filled with childish play and dodging the “authorities” who were telling me to go to sleep instead. I remember the scent of the living room, the coolness of the terrace around midday where one could just relax without a care in the world.

I remember the first move. The new house, unfinished yet brimming with promises. I remember the various changes that were made to maximize the space. I remember the new kitchen being constructed. The continuous pounding in the roof and floor making my head ache. I remember the dreams being dreamt and fulfilled within its extended walls. I was happy. I was sad. I missed the old ways. The family prayers that were said in the newly-tiled sala bonding us the way sunday-night-outs never could.

I remember the packing. It was such a cruel world, I thought then. I remember the trucks taking all of our things away. I remember walking slowly, knowing that it would be the last time.

I remember the new house. I remember the first storm. The second floor was flooded, the first, quite dry. I remember sleeping in the only bedroom in the third floor. Mornings were cold, nights were full of bugs attracted to the light. I enjoyed the solitude. I remember being up there, in the “tower”, reading to my heart’s content. The calls of “Dinner!” went unheard until someone goes up the stairs. I loved my new home. I am longing to go back to the one I left.

I remember my ultimate move. To a dorm, 4 or so hours away. I remember choosing which clothes to bring or to leave behind. There were so many bags, so many things to carry, yet I know I am leaving a half of myself. I remember being the last one to turn to bed that night. Casting the house a look and trying to take it all in, wanting to cast the image of a friendly place in my mind.

I remember the adjustment. I remember the tears, can still taste them. I remember being okay. I remember being not.

I remember so many things. So many houses have withered, so many homes were left. The only piece of feeling connects all these. DISLOCATION, heightened by this post, by the way I am remembering the old places now.

I must get away from the memories. This is not the time for them.

I'm about to leave...

yep. in 45 minutes or so, I have to leave home. I can't go back until the August 2nd and 3rd, for my next two weekends are packed with exams. The worst bit is, I'll stay in the university even on the weekend before my 17th birthday! Darn.

This is actually the least likeable part of going home...

Okay, to make things clear, I am not that sad...I am not just happy.

first night in the dorm

Aww. I dont know what got into me last saturday night. I was just so sad and lonely and grumpy and teary and everything else that's negative.

packing up.

I guess I have to ready my suitcases sometime today. I would be leaving, oh too soon.

A gigantic wave of melancholy just swept me off to the sea...but I guess, I would be back to the shore and the wave would rock me, slower and slower...until I am finally rested on the sand and okay again.

I drew the suitcase using Paint.

of anger and calming oneself

I got really angry ealier. The anger that I want to kick something just to ease it. This just made me even more frustrated for I can't show my feelings here. Not here. Not in the house. Everyone would just get in the way of me calming myself.

Well, of the reason...I was forced to do something i really dont want to do. Something that they think was a real treat. Then, it went okay enough for me not to look back and feel embarrassed or ashamed of myself. Then, when we got home, one of my companions (the one who forced me) started making remarks about how I acted...that I should this and should that....damn! I was doing you a favor! Cant you keep you mouth shut?

All the time that that person was talking and bragging about the thing, i was here, in front of the PC, turning up the volume of the headset until it was so loud I can feel my eardrums throbbing in pain. Still, I can hear everything...

Then, my parents arrived...and the person started telling them about what happened and I got really impatient for all the questions I was asked. i tried to answer as okay as I could, though. So that they cant tell that I am angry already.

Of calming down, I started to breathe like I just run a marathon...yeah, it works for me. I dont know..yeah, I am weird. hehe. Then I vented my feelings on researching something I really really need...it's how to skip my appointment with the dentist later..no, it's true. mom said it would be the first thing this saturday. And it is the wee hours of saturday. I guess I really can't avoid it.

After about 2 minutes of this, I found out that I already calmed down. i am not angry anymore..just resentful and somewhat hopeful that I would not be in the same situation ever again.

Wow, I think I can work in an anger management org or somthing. hehe.Ü

- - - - - >>>>

oh, and of the pictures of my cleaning, I'll post them as soon as I can. I am being anti-downloading at the mo'..haha..

small poetry.

I long to

sit on that

shed and wait

for the bus to

take

me

home.**

**Gosh, I really dont know where this wave of homesickness is coming from...I mean, I am at home! It's been around since december, I think.