Just When...

I received a spiritual talk from a Korean...just now..just when I am badly in need of the sort. All the time he was talking, I was wondering if that might just be the affirmation that I am searching. Well, what else can it be?

I was seated on a stone bench, the one that was hardly occupied at the front of the Main Lib, trying to get a few minutes worth of review for some quiz that's not academic...huh. Then, he came, maybe that's the reason why, and asked if I have some spare time. I eyed him warily, trying hard not to show that I was wishing that time that I don't have any.

Well, torn between being the well-bred person my mo boasts of and the person wary of strangers...I did nothing. I said, okay, in a very small voice...

Then, it began..

Truth be told, there was nothing new in what he said to me. I know all of those things. I know that Jesus died on the cross and saved the whole of human race from its sins. The facts came and I know that I accept them...I believe in them...

Yet, why cant I hold on? Why does my faith in those things quiver? Why...why...

Everything is centered on my doubts...I am not giving a chance to my belief...

I was grateful for the talk, yes...but the frustration builds up...

I'm still lost...apparently.

Yet...sigh..I am still in two minds...

[Visit my other blog for some sort of a whole story.]

This just in..

My relatively new and barely-used usb is defective! I dont want to replace it...I cant just reformat it....I badly need it...

Six Pigs in Heaven

[yey. A review. Finally.]

This actually made me want to read again. I mean, for the last four or so books, I sometimes lose the heart to finish even before I was halfway. And, truthfully, I thought that Six Pigs in Heaven would just be like those other books.

I never knew any of Barbara Kingsolver's books. Heck, I only heard about her when a friend inquired about the book I was reading and I held it up for her. She said, "oh. kingsolver, she's real good." Now, I am thinking about digging her past works.

The story was captivating. I mean, feed me with something that would make me indignant and yeah, I would certainly read all through the end. I was impatient with the results and eagerly awaited the finish.

It was a story of a mother's love [to her adopted but otherwise cherished daughter] complicated with the rules and laws of an Indian tribe. A lawyer looked into the adoption and found out that the mother was ill-advised about it and the adoption was illegal. It was a search for the mother and daughter while they went to an escape/journey so that they will not be separated from each other.

All in all: Fascinating.

Book Reviews [and reading] fall out plus more.

I have not posted reviews in the past few weeks...nor added to the list of books I've read. I dont know what's wrong with me, yet.

Hopefully, it's just one of my episodes, which, hopefully, might end soon.

/sigh/ I feel so tired and so out of myself that I dont even know where to begin describing how I feel.

Anyway,

I spent the majority of the afternoon texting my two bestfriends. One guy, one girl. They went into a misunderstanding and are both, I think and feel, miserable. I originally dont have any plans on posting the whole story but, I changed my mind. I should at least tell the framework.

So.

The girl told the guy she likes him. A lot. This is a fact that she told me a couple of months ago, when it was just starting. I am practically a novice in these things so the only things I could offer her were my two ears. Although, I told her that it's not a good idea to say it to out guy friend..since he spent 3 years in a seminary, only got out this year for a break to think things through. I thought that he would not be capable of dealing with these sort of things.

She still told him. Last January 1st.

He , lets name him B texted her back last friday night, or was it saturday?. And it was not about what she told him last. Well, in fairness to him, he shunned all of us out...not just her...and that COULD mean that he was not really avoiding her or something.

So, friday night or saturday, our phones started buzzing again. Actually, I was with him last January 14th for a birthday celebration of another of our bestfriends. [I have a lot of bestfriends...all of my classmates in highschool + B + many others]. I actually wanted to ask B right then and there....I chickened out.

Anyway, I finally managed to pluck out enough courage to ask him. Of course, I promised to keep this as a secret between the two of us.

I dont know what to do. I. Am. Torn. but I get to keep them both. Whereas to the other option, I say a thing or two to each of them, I lose....well, them.

Friday Fill-ins #107

1. Enough with the freezingly cold mornings!.

2. A break in and attempted murder causes me to be conflicted.

3. I've been craving some inner peace and contentment.

4. Trying to sing the forgotten tune of a nursery rhyme makes me laugh.

5. I wish I could go to my best friend's school next week.

6. School and all its hardships and pains [haha] has been on my mind lately.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being home [i am home!], tomorrow my plans include attending a wedding and looking for that inner peace and Sunday, I want to go to church and just celebrate God's goodness and love!

I have to agree with that "mind-fucked guy" in Wanted

[the lead]

"The best thing [of living the most insignificant and the sorriest life there is] is that tomorrow, it will start all over again."

Haha.

Crappy way to start the week, I know...but I watched Wanted [again] over the weekend and was not bored with it, so..hha

I should be studying my pink fingernails off...haha...but, yeah..haha..

whatever..hha..

today:

I heard the life story of a marvelous woman...how great and how happy or active her life seemed to be..and she's gone now..

A plan of mine just got busted...

then, I heard from a long lost friend...

...I feel totally unconcerned..haha..

I am feeling pretty dumb right now..ahah..not numb..just dumb..or whatever I am feeling right now..

- - - -I am truly sorry for this post..

the Virgin issue.

Someone sent me this message in my FS account last week:

"Hey. I know you're a VIRGIN!! I know I angered you there."

[notice the caps lock]

And here's something of my reply:

"I am just 17. Duh. I should be. And I am not mad...how can I be, when I am proud to be one? You're pathetic. haha"

And then he answered again:

"Hey.Thanks, you're not angry. What do you mean by pathetic?"

[his actual words]

I have not replied yet. Does his last message say that he purposely did that to make me mad? Did he intend it to be like an insult?

Well, if he did and it was all an attempted insult, that make his second account of pathetic-ness! Haha. 50 days in a growing-up school. haha.

For the record, I truly am not angry. I was in fact amused at how grown ups [he's older. duh. haha, so redundant, nikki.] can act insanely childish at times. I sort of chuckled when I read his first message. I laughed out loud when he replied back. That was before I realized that he might meant it was an insult...and that was I think, foul to my beliefs.

okay, I read that last part and I thought i should explain a bit. I am proud to be a virgin and 17, but I do not condemn nor think differently of those who do not go with my beliefs. I am just proud I held on and, yeah.

But that does not mean that I will take it lightly when I am being insulted or something. I mean, sex is never a prerequisite to being rightly human, is it?

This whole issue sort of just made me see how narrow-minded he can be. tsk. tsk. i thought only some teenage boys are like this. haha.

Friday fill-ins #106

1. It's January;it's promising this is gonna be a difficult year; still, it's new .

2. The bus ride to home [aw] is what I crave most right now.

3. Cork and wine go together like blogs and ideas [huh? haha].

4. Sleep[!] is so nourishing.

5. Let us dare to patient and responsible for the rest of the year.

6. I so miss my home.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to alone time and a chance to read more [!] tomorrow my plans include buying my long overdue havs.. and Sunday, I want to just be home!

I am leaving in 2 hours..

So there's this big big big possibility that I'll be away from my blogs.

If I can [and if I am lucky], I will post something by friday.

Cant wait to be home again.

I just watched Bruce Almighty for the 2nd time...

...I am falling in love with that prayer of Bruce's in the latter part. Ü

"...Let her meet someone who's gonna see her all the time the way I see her now...through your eyes."

If only I could see people that way...and not let all my focus be myself....

I realized I am being pretty pathetic since the start of the sem...all through the holidays and the first week (is it?) of 2009.

I am sorry...truly now.

It's January...

and it is freezing cold here.

I live in the tropics! [scowls]

Of course, this is going to be incoherent, since I have been brain dead since January 1st. But I really really want to share how freakingly awful I feel right now.

I am already homesick. I havent even left for school yet!

I am disappointed at something I probably should not tell.

I am all weepy and am such a mess right now.

I have to face packing in a couple of hours...about hmm? 17 hours?

I am cold...

I am freakingly self-centered right now.

I'm sorry.

I only have 4 days before I go back to the university...

And I am impossibly childish about it.

It sort of feels that I dont want to go back.

photos, for now. ÜÜ

captions [if one can call them as such] are below each set of pics...Ü
So we've been away for Christmas.

and we goofed around the camera...

and learned some local history...

and had some fun at the SEA...in DECEMBER! we did not realize that the cold would be just awesome..haha. huh?

and then enjoyed the view...which was just fabulous from the boat..